The Catch

THE CATCH

CHARACTERS

Mr & Mrs Krris

Mr & Mrs Pouol

Mr & Mrs Caahn

[In the large drawing room of a middle-class house - curios and artefacts share space with photos; dark wood along with expensive chrome and leather; sofa, armchairs, side-tables and a centre-table with refreshments and drinks; a cabinet and a balcony are visible on one side. The characters are in their forties.]

MR CAAHN

Has Sreekumar invited you all for his wedding?

MR POUOL

Fat chance!

MR CAAHN

[Addresses Mrs Pouol]

Aren’t you related to the girl?

MRS CAAHN

[Interrupts leaving Mrs Pouol open-mouthed]

What’s wrong with her?

MR CAAHN

[Addresses his wife; Mrs Pouol closes her mouth]

Why should there be anything wrong with her?

MRS CAAHN

A young beautiful smart girl marrying a guy like you...?

MR CAAHN

[Turns away from his wife and addresses the others]

My wife knows what she’s not.

[He laughs; Mrs Pouol intervenes, this time it is Mrs Caahn with open mouth]

MRS POUOL

She’s not poor either.

[Dramatic pause]

But she’s a history.

[That generates an exaggerated ‘Aha!’ from the rest]

MR KRISS

I have met him only once. He didn’t look the marrying kind.

MR CAAHN

Every revolutionary ends as a hypocrite.

MR POUOL

Remember the grief he gave us, poking at us, suburbia and collective automaton or some such crap.

MR KRISS

But, why is Sreekumar marrying now?

MR POUOL

Even guys our age have needs.

MR CAAHN

He’s in for a surprise.

MRS CAAHN

Old age worries, most likely. What else can domesticate a man?

MR POUOL

[Addressing Mrs Kriss]

Are you still in touch with Sreekumar?

MRS CAAHN

[Also addressing Mrs Kriss]

I don’t know how you tolerate him.

[All turn towards Mrs Kriss]

MRS KRISS

We do keep in touch.

MR POUOL

[Addressing Mr Kriss]

He used to have the hots for her, you know.

MR KRISS

 [Laughs]

Yeah, she told me that you challenged him for a duel. How old were you all then? Eighteen...?

MRS POUOL

I didn’t know that.

MRS CAAHN

Your husband went to Sreekumar and said, “We are in love with the same girl.”

MRS POUOL

Was he?

MRS CAAHN

Of course!

MRS KRISS

He was not.

MRS CAAHN

I didn’t mean Sreekumar. He was such a pest in school, always after me.

[Pointing at her husband]

I told him to tell Sreekumar not to trouble me.

MRS KRISS

He was not after you.

MRS CAAHN

He was!

MR POUOL

Jolly good! We are in for a good cat fight!

MRS POUOL

[Addressing her husband, pointing at Mrs Kriss]

So, were you after her?

MR POUOL

Of course not, cutie pie!

[Mr & Mrs Caahn say ‘Ha!’ emphatically. Mr Pouol turns towards Mr Caahn]

Did I tell you that I met him a month back? He told me that he met you in Bangkok.

MR CAAHN

Ah yes!

MRS CAAHN

You didn’t tell me!

MR POUOL

[Still addressing Mr Caahn]

Massage parlour, sex bar and all that, huh?

MR CAAHN

Of course not!

MR KRISS

[Laughs]

Come on, we are all adults here.

MR CAAHN

Only massage for a backache!

MRS CAAHN

Is that what you did when I was bedridden in the hotel with a backache?

MR KRISS

[Laughs]

She had the back ache and you had the massage!

[Everyone except Mr & Mrs Caahn laughs]

MR CAAHN

Trust that bastard to gossip!

MR POUOL

Well, to be fair... he just told me that he saw you there. I guessed the rest.

MRS POUOL

He went there with her?

MR POUOL

Lucky guy – honeymoon in Bangkok before wedding!

MRS KRISS

She wasn’t there.

MR KRISS

Would he tell you if she was?

MRS KRISS

Why shouldn’t he?

MR POUOL

Bloody lucky guy – alone in Bangkok before wedding!

MRS KRISS

He went there for information about rent boys.

MR POUOL

Geez! Is he into that now?

MRS KRISS

It’s for his writing.

MR KRISS

You are naive and gullible. I need another drink.

[He stands; looks at the others; the ladies shake their head; the men follow him. The ladies talk to each other]

MRS POUOL

Why are men so sure about that?

MRS CAAHN

What about?

MRS POUOL

The s-thing...

MRS CAAHN

Ah... that! They think so differently from us.

MRS KRISS

They do?

MRS CAAHN

Of course! I always think of kids then.

MRS KRISS

You think of kids then?

MRS POUOL

I think of purdah then.

MRS CAAHN

You want to do it in purdah?

MRS POUOL

Not me, him in purdah. He looks so awful then. Though quite hilarious!

[The ladies laugh]

MRS KRISS

By the way, what’s that history you talked about?

MRS CAAHN

[Addresses Mrs Pouol indicating Mrs Kriss]

She’s still so protective of Sreekumar! Mother-hen!

[Mrs Kriss does not respond. The other two ladies laugh.]

MRS POUOL

This girl’s related to a close family friend. They told me that she was a wildcat in her teens. Fell in love with some good-for-nothing; as expected, he scooted when she got pregnant; and, she had an abortion.

MRS CAAHN

Serves her right... I have zero sympathy for girls with zero sense.

MRS POUOL

I wonder if he knows.

MRS CAAHN

Which girl will tell?

 [To Mrs Kriss]

Did he mention this to you?

[Mrs Kriss shakes her head]

Trust them not to mention such stuff.

MRS POUOL

Surprised me when I got to know that she’s getting married; but then, such an age-gap...

MRS CAAHN

Her history explains everything...

[To Mrs Kriss]

Weird that he told you about the rent boys but not about her, right?

[Mrs Kriss seems absorbed in her thoughts and does not respond. Meanwhile, the gents have replenished their drinks from bottles in the cabinet and moved to the balcony.]

MR CAAHN

[To Mr Pouol]

You fool, why did you bring up that Bangkok stuff?

MR POUOL

[To Mr Caahn]

Come on, man, I had to deflect it away from me and...

[To Mr Kriss]

Hey, it ended then, ok? I mean my crush for your wife...

MR CAAHN

[Laughs]

There was nothing to end.

[To Mr Kriss]

After Sreekumar told this goof-ball that he was not interested in her, this idiot went and proclaimed his love. She sent him packing. But then, you know about it, right?

MR KRISS

[Laughs]

Yeah, she told me.

MR CAAHN

But he was interested.

MR KRISS

Who was?

MR POUOL

Sreekumar, who else! After we left school, they were an item for a year or two but then it fizzled out... is that when you entered the picture?

MR KRISS

I thought it was someone else...

[To Mr Caahn]

So, was he after your wife too?

MR POUOL

[Hoots with laughter]

Come on, Sreekumar is not that daft!

MR CAAHN

[Shrugs exaggeratedly]

With such irrefutable evidence against, what can the defence say?

MR KRISS

[Laughs]

Man! You are cruel...

MR CAAHN

[To Mr Pouol]

So, this girl Sreekumar’s hooked... what’s all that about history-shitory?

MR POUOL

Ah, that! That girl’s a colleague’s daughter. She had the big C. Now, she’s all ok, her parents claim.

MR CAAHN

So, that’s how he got her, huh?

MR KRISS

[Laughs]

There’s a catch in every catch.

[The gents move inside to join the ladies. The camaraderie between them is obvious.]