THE CATCH
CHARACTERS
Mr & Mrs Krris
Mr & Mrs Pouol
Mr & Mrs Caahn
[In the
large drawing room of a middle-class house - curios and artefacts share space
with photos; dark wood along with expensive chrome and leather; sofa, armchairs,
side-tables and a centre-table with refreshments and drinks; a cabinet and a
balcony are visible on one side. The characters are in their forties.]
MR
CAAHN
Has Sreekumar
invited you all for his wedding?
MR
POUOL
Fat chance!
MR
CAAHN
[Addresses Mrs Pouol]
Aren’t you
related to the girl?
MRS
CAAHN
[Interrupts leaving Mrs Pouol
open-mouthed]
What’s wrong
with her?
MR
CAAHN
[Addresses his wife; Mrs Pouol
closes her mouth]
Why should there
be anything wrong with her?
MRS
CAAHN
A young beautiful
smart girl marrying a guy like you...?
MR
CAAHN
[Turns away from his wife and
addresses the others]
My wife knows
what she’s not.
[He laughs; Mrs Pouol intervenes,
this time it is Mrs Caahn with open mouth]
MRS
POUOL
She’s not poor
either.
[Dramatic pause]
But she’s a
history.
[That generates an exaggerated ‘Aha!’
from the rest]
MR
KRISS
I have met him
only once. He didn’t look the marrying kind.
MR
CAAHN
Every
revolutionary ends as a hypocrite.
MR
POUOL
Remember the
grief he gave us, poking at us, suburbia and collective automaton or some such
crap.
MR
KRISS
But, why is
Sreekumar marrying now?
MR
POUOL
Even guys our
age have needs.
MR
CAAHN
He’s in for a
surprise.
MRS
CAAHN
Old age worries,
most likely. What else can domesticate a man?
MR
POUOL
[Addressing Mrs Kriss]
Are you still in
touch with Sreekumar?
MRS
CAAHN
[Also addressing Mrs Kriss]
I don’t know how
you tolerate him.
[All turn towards Mrs Kriss]
MRS
KRISS
We do keep in
touch.
MR
POUOL
[Addressing Mr Kriss]
He used to have
the hots for her, you know.
MR
KRISS
[Laughs]
Yeah, she told
me that you challenged him for a duel. How old were you all then? Eighteen...?
MRS
POUOL
I didn’t know
that.
MRS
CAAHN
Your husband
went to Sreekumar and said, “We are in love with the same girl.”
MRS
POUOL
Was he?
MRS
CAAHN
Of course!
MRS
KRISS
He was not.
MRS
CAAHN
I didn’t mean
Sreekumar. He was such a pest in school, always after me.
[Pointing at her husband]
I told him to
tell Sreekumar not to trouble me.
MRS
KRISS
He was not after
you.
MRS
CAAHN
He was!
MR
POUOL
Jolly good! We
are in for a good cat fight!
MRS
POUOL
[Addressing her husband, pointing
at Mrs Kriss]
So, were you after
her?
MR
POUOL
Of course not,
cutie pie!
[Mr & Mrs Caahn say ‘Ha!’
emphatically. Mr Pouol turns towards Mr Caahn]
Did I tell you
that I met him a month back? He told me that he met you in Bangkok.
MR
CAAHN
Ah yes!
MRS
CAAHN
You didn’t tell
me!
MR
POUOL
[Still addressing Mr Caahn]
Massage parlour,
sex bar and all that, huh?
MR
CAAHN
Of course not!
MR
KRISS
[Laughs]
Come on, we are
all adults here.
MR
CAAHN
Only massage for
a backache!
MRS
CAAHN
Is that what you
did when I was bedridden in the hotel with a backache?
MR
KRISS
[Laughs]
She had the back
ache and you had the massage!
[Everyone except Mr & Mrs
Caahn laughs]
MR
CAAHN
Trust that
bastard to gossip!
MR
POUOL
Well, to be
fair... he just told me that he saw you there. I guessed the rest.
MRS
POUOL
He went there
with her?
MR
POUOL
Lucky guy –
honeymoon in Bangkok before wedding!
MRS
KRISS
She wasn’t
there.
MR
KRISS
Would he tell
you if she was?
MRS
KRISS
Why shouldn’t
he?
MR
POUOL
Bloody lucky guy
– alone in Bangkok before wedding!
MRS
KRISS
He went there
for information about rent boys.
MR
POUOL
Geez! Is he into
that now?
MRS
KRISS
It’s for his
writing.
MR
KRISS
You are naive
and gullible. I need another drink.
[He
stands; looks at the others; the ladies shake their head; the men follow him.
The ladies talk to each other]
MRS
POUOL
Why are men so
sure about that?
MRS
CAAHN
What about?
MRS
POUOL
The s-thing...
MRS
CAAHN
Ah... that! They
think so differently from us.
MRS
KRISS
They do?
MRS
CAAHN
Of course! I
always think of kids then.
MRS
KRISS
You think of
kids then?
MRS
POUOL
I think of
purdah then.
MRS
CAAHN
You want to do
it in purdah?
MRS
POUOL
Not me, him in
purdah. He looks so awful then. Though quite hilarious!
[The ladies laugh]
MRS
KRISS
By the way,
what’s that history you talked about?
MRS
CAAHN
[Addresses Mrs Pouol indicating Mrs
Kriss]
She’s still so
protective of Sreekumar! Mother-hen!
[Mrs Kriss does not respond. The
other two ladies laugh.]
MRS
POUOL
This girl’s
related to a close family friend. They told me that she was a wildcat in her
teens. Fell in love with some good-for-nothing; as expected, he scooted when
she got pregnant; and, she had an abortion.
MRS
CAAHN
Serves her
right... I have zero sympathy for girls with zero sense.
MRS
POUOL
I wonder if he
knows.
MRS
CAAHN
Which girl will
tell?
[To Mrs Kriss]
Did he mention
this to you?
[Mrs Kriss shakes her head]
Trust them not
to mention such stuff.
MRS
POUOL
Surprised me
when I got to know that she’s getting married; but then, such an age-gap...
MRS
CAAHN
Her history explains
everything...
[To Mrs Kriss]
Weird that he
told you about the rent boys but not about her, right?
[Mrs
Kriss seems absorbed in her thoughts and does not respond. Meanwhile, the gents
have replenished their drinks from bottles in the cabinet and moved to the balcony.]
MR
CAAHN
[To Mr Pouol]
You fool, why
did you bring up that Bangkok stuff?
MR
POUOL
[To Mr Caahn]
Come on, man, I
had to deflect it away from me and...
[To Mr Kriss]
Hey, it ended
then, ok? I mean my crush for your wife...
MR
CAAHN
[Laughs]
There was
nothing to end.
[To Mr Kriss]
After Sreekumar
told this goof-ball that he was not interested in her, this idiot went and
proclaimed his love. She sent him packing. But then, you know about it, right?
MR
KRISS
[Laughs]
Yeah, she told
me.
MR
CAAHN
But he was
interested.
MR
KRISS
Who was?
MR
POUOL
Sreekumar, who
else! After we left school, they were an item for a year or two but then it
fizzled out... is that when you entered the picture?
MR
KRISS
I thought it was
someone else...
[To Mr Caahn]
So, was he after
your wife too?
MR
POUOL
[Hoots with laughter]
Come on,
Sreekumar is not that daft!
MR
CAAHN
[Shrugs exaggeratedly]
With such
irrefutable evidence against, what can the defence say?
MR
KRISS
[Laughs]
Man! You are
cruel...
MR
CAAHN
[To Mr Pouol]
So, this girl
Sreekumar’s hooked... what’s all that about history-shitory?
MR
POUOL
Ah, that! That
girl’s a colleague’s daughter. She had the big C. Now, she’s all ok, her
parents claim.
MR
CAAHN
So, that’s how he
got her, huh?
MR
KRISS
[Laughs]
There’s a catch
in every catch.
[The
gents move inside to join the ladies. The camaraderie between them is obvious.]
