Thus Spake Television

 

When I was six, I got to know that the world would soon be ruled by women. A whole episode of Lost in Space dealt with that and I watched it on my own. A few weeks later, that highly influential television show was cut short quite unfairly. In its place there was another riveting program on the prophecies of Nostradamus and I learned that the world would end on the ninth day of the ninth month in the ninety-ninth year. Even then, I was smart enough to know that the two events could be correlated.

Later in life, when Xena was aired, I also realized how unfair women would turn out to be. Men, when we were superior, still loved to be mere putty in the hands of capable women. But, for Xena and her ilk only Gabrielle would have a role and men would at best be inconsequential.

I discovered another fact at the threshold of puberty. In every reliable movie and realistic television serial, there was a common truth. A male who had sex before going for war, even if it turned out to be a bloodless fight, most often died. I double-checked and found that death was almost certain if the male made love to the woman he loved.

So, I married on the eighth day of the ninth month in the ninety-ninth year. I knew I had a day to love my dear one well. We made love feverishly. Close to the midnight hour, utterly and totally spent, I blurted out, ‘I love you, Xena.’ And my wife in some similar stupor responded, ‘I love you too, Gabrielle.’

The world I knew ended then.