The Tenth Woman

Long long ago, at the cusp of puberty and senility, a reliable oracle informed me that the tenth woman in my life would be the woman.

Since that day, I have kept a diary ready to record my failures and conquests. In that thick diary bursting with empty pages, I found lengthy and confusing notes which can be paraphrased as:

(1)   Mrs. Robinson: The Graduate made it sexual. After that movie, every boy dreamt of entering or leaving puberty with an older woman. That scene of a kiss, ending with the mature woman letting out cigarette smoke, became an obsession. In reality, she turns out to be an inspiration; the first woman who seemed to treat you as a man and not as a kid. You hear her say, ``I wish he was older.’’ You assume that you are the `he’ and try to grow up, for her sake.

(2)   Pen-pal: I guess they do it with Facebook these days. But, that’s free and also, full of obvious treachery, right? In the old days, you used an address book, envelopes, stamps, good writing paper, pen and a broker named Postman. At times, you got nice, childish and girly handwriting from a Jana of Brno and you replied with manly slanting cursive writing. She writes on page 2 and 3 about her boyfriend and on page 4, she gives you a cramped recipe with lots of potatoes and sausages. You talk to her about Milan. Milan, Italy? No. Milan, Kundera. When those letters stop, you move to Rosaline of Manila. You tell her about your ex-girlfriend named Jana of your neighbourhood.

(3)   Childhood friend: Like a sister, this is platonic. But, she is better than your sister. She is the first one who guesses that you smoke and drink beer. You tell her about the tenth woman. She calls you idiot. You hit her with a pillow. She is the only one who will ask you if you are homosexual. You tell her no, men are like toilet paper, use and flush, without looking. She hits you with a pillow. When you knock at her door and lie on her bed, shattered and heart-broken, she gives you a kick and tells you, ``Grow up.’’ You hit her with a pillow once again, feel rejuvenated and get ready for the next one.

(4)   First crush: This is a tricky one. It usually starts after the ending. I mean, it is like a one-night stand without the woman and the sex. Conceptually, you experience the first rush of adrenalin. Warhol talked about fifteen minutes of fame. This is Everyman’s fifteen minutes of heart-break; absolutely essential. You don’t even lose your virginity. Utmost, you waste a notebook with a lot of doggerel which you later recycle for other crushing situations.

(5)   First love: It is best when it is unrequited love. You get a woman to hate for the rest of your life; if not hate, at least, an affair to embarrass you. Otherwise, it gets to be a bore, expensive too with gifts and cards and what-not. Popular literature and cultural hoo-hah will tell you that first love is true love and prolong the affair; at times, even ending with ill-judged matrimony. Anyway, preserve those old love letters. Wait till your spouse finds it. She will give a lot of meaning to those empty letters.

(6)   First wife: You have to tell her that she is the woman. The sensible ones know that a spouse is an equity-linked insurance policy. Usually, you get the principal amount; every year, you might get some bonus; you keep expecting a boom but you are ready to tackle the bust with admirable sang-froid. All the important details are in the fine-print. You don’t get what you really want; and, only a terrible loss could give substantial gains. But, it is essential, it is a custom, it is something which everyone gets into.  Not a bad deal usually.

(7)   Other woman: Most often, it is just fiction. If not, this is usually a product of an over-heated brain or an under-cooled groin, as the Bard would say. Otherwise, it is a result of a misguided philosophy about relationships. You claim that you want an equal partnership. You claim that you want to explore new avenues. You claim that you want to experience real love. All you really want is a free lunch and something to kill time or make you feel important. If there are fools to believe you, so be it, amen. You are not the villain. She is the villain. You are just an anti-hero. That is what you think. It is usually more injurious and definitely more expensive than smoking. Just ask your lawyer if you can afford it.

(8)   The woman’s friend: This is definitely a platonic and a very important relationship. Most of your lady-friends fall into this category; unavoidable bore but essential. You hope that they will introduce you to that elusive one. They serve no other purpose.

(9)   Keep the ninth slot empty. If you fill it up, the next woman has to be the tenth woman. The search might be better than the find.