Women To Avoid

My best friend Vishnu is an unfriendly guy.

He has two types of relationships – strangers and acquaintances. If there is any order in his method, it stops right there.

I have tried to convince him that relationships should be based on logic. For example, I too have two types of close relationships – friends and best friends. I meet my best friends once in a while and I rarely meet my friends. I expect nothing from my best friends but I expect a lot from my friends. Instead, if I expected anything from my best friends, I would end up disappointed and I would not be able to meet them. Simple, isn’t it? But, Vishnu finds it tough to follow such logic.

Recently, I tried to understand his method.

‘It is based on the principle of avoidance,’ he said.

‘And do you follow some rule for that…to avoid?’

‘Of course, there are rules.’

‘Ah...’ I prompted.

‘Men or women?’ he asked.

‘Women, please.’ I replied.

‘Ok. With women, there are at least ten types to avoid.’

‘Ten?’

‘Please do not interrupt.’

‘Ok.’

‘First, stay away from the women you liked. They will talk about the guy they like or love or married and invariably, that guy would be a nincompoop. Imagine how you will feel with such a friend – every moment, you will be given proof that you are worse than what you think you are.’

‘Good point. Always stay with the present – stick to the women you like? No, I got it, stick to women who like you. But, will you like them?’ Vishnu silenced my soliloquy with a stare.

‘Second, stay away from women who remind you of someone. Overnight, they will resemble someone else. Remember Benoy? He got close to a lady who reminded him of Glenn Close. He even married her. She then started to remind him of Ms. Gandhi Sr. and a week later, she started resembling Jairam Ramesh.’

‘Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction…? Impossible.’

‘Oh no, Glenn Close in 101 Dalmations.’

‘So, did they split?’

‘Oh no, they are happily married with three kids.’

‘He was always a bit confused about his orientation,’ I remembered.

‘The third type is trickier. Ask her about her role model, you know, that typical interview question. If she says that her role model is her mother, run away from her. Oscar Wilde described such women as tragedy personified. Get her and you get her mother too. If she is not sure about everything, her mother will be. You know how tough life can be with people who think they are so right.’

‘I have known one or two…’

‘Fourth, stay away from the sexy dumb blonde type.’

‘Why?’

‘That type will want a platonic relationship with you.’

 ‘Ah…’

‘Fifth, stay away from the intelligent type, too. They too will want a platonic relationship.’

‘Damn Plato!’

‘Sixth, be wary of women who seem too friendly with you. Sounds fishy, doesn’t it?’

‘Hmmm…’

‘Seventh, avoid women who avoid you.’

‘But, they are usually irresistible.’

‘That cloud has a black lining.’ He warned. ‘Eighth, avoid girls who go for salsa classes.’

‘Come on, salsa is sensual...’ I protested.

‘If so, why go for classes?’

‘That’s true…’ I agreed.

‘Ninth, stay away from women who are more tech-savvy than you. That is, if you still want to keep secrets.’

‘Hey, some can be ethical, you know?’

‘When they are scorned?’

‘Oh boy…that would be the calm before the storm, huh? So, what’s the last type?’

‘Plenty more actually…but this last one will take care of the rest, I think. When a woman seems perfect as a friend, ask yourself why she should be just a friend.’

‘That’s like having a death-wish for that friendship, right?’

‘Well, that will take care of the rest. Simple, isn’t it?’ He concluded.

‘Yes. And, men?’ I asked.

‘Oh, that is easy. I try to avoid all.’

As I said, Vishnu is an unfriendly guy.